Becca's Bookshelf

As I sit in the passenger seat of his car with his hand on my leg, I stare out the windshield in front of me at the dark sky. Trees surround the car and I have no clue where we are. No one will see us and I’m tempted. I want to continue but deep in my heart, a voice says no. I push the voice that says no aside. I want him to touch every inch of me. I want him to fulfill my sexual desires. It will make everything better. I turn my head to look in his eyes and then we kiss. As soon as his mouth touches mine, I desperately wish for the kiss to be over. It does not satisfy me the way I thought it would. He touches me in ways I desired for a long time but this also doesn’t satisfy me. 

“Do it. Don’t stop. Let him have every part of your body and give him complete control over you. It will satisfy you. Trust me.” The dark voice in my head overpowers my thoughts. The voice is deep and masculine. 

His lips touch my neck and I let him do as he pleases with me. I expected to feel satisfied. I expected to feel good. I don’t know exactly what kind of a feeling I was expecting but it is not at all what I expected. His hands touch every inch of my body and I am still not satisfied. I feel nothing.

After almost an hour of him touching me, he stops for a minute. “Do you like it baby? You want more of me? Beg me baby.”His voice is soft to keep the mood. I look at him with disappointment and then I try to hide it. I can’t be sexy like I see on TV. I don’t have it in me. I let him take my clothes off and he takes off his. He touches and kisses me more. I touch him hoping to be satisfied. I hate the kisses and I hate touching him. 

“You will like it the more you do it. Just keep going.” The dark voice in my head overpowers my thoughts again. So I continue to touch him and he continues to touch me. 

“Can I put it in? You want me baby?” He asks, still trying to keep a sexy mood. 

“No. I’m not ready.”I respond, keeping my voice low. I’m a virgin. I am only 20 years old. I always believed in sex after marriage. I can’t do it now. As he touches and kisses me more, I think about what I am doing. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? This is not right and this is not how I was made. I have disappointed God once again. I can’t do this. I need to stop. What have I done? Tears begin to roll down my face. He stops when he sees my face is in tears. 

“What’s the matter baby? Are you not liking it? Am I going too hard? We can take a break.” 

“I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have done this. I have a problem. I need to stop. This is not how this is meant to be.” There is no way our bodies were made for this. It does not feel right. I need to get out of here. 

“It’s ok baby. It’s your first time. You’re fine.” He strokes my face to comfort me. He comforts me as I let my tears out. I stare once again at the dark sky. He slowly moves his hand to my lower parts. 

More coming soon.