Becca's Bookshelf

“No. Stop. I can’t do this. We need to stop. You need to bring me home.” I pick up his hand and throw it on his side. 

“Babe it’s ok. You’re fine. Trust me.” He tries to convince me to continue. He bits his lips like he wants to have me for dessert. He reaches over to kiss me but then I pull away. I open the door and start walking away. His door opens and he runs towards me grabs my arm. “We are not done.” He pulls me closer to him and kisses me on the neck again. He tries to get close to me to get inside me but then I swing my knee towards him and hit him. I run as fast as I can with my clothes in my hands. He runs after me as he screams for me to come back. 

After a while of running, I finally lose him. But now I’m lost in the woods. I put my clothes back on and turn the flashlight on on my phone. 

“You did it again. You naughty girl. God is going to hate you now. What have you done? He is so disappointed in you. Even if you believe He will forgive you, you should still be ashamed of yourself. You don’t deserve to be forgiven. Guess you get to be with me forever. You are never going to have a relationship with Him now. You will always be far away from Him. You don’t belong to Him. He doesn’t want you. You are so dirty and bad. You had a choice. You were in control. You screwed up big time. You’re not worthy.” The voice filled my head with this for hours. I sit on the ground curled up with my face soaked in tears. My body feels numb. I can’t feel anything. I can’t move or breathe. I can’t touch a button on my phone. I can’t think straight. I can’t stop crying. What is wrong with me? I don’t know what to do. My phone begins to ring but I can not answer it. I try to turn my phone to see who is calling but I can’t move my hand. It must be my mom. She must be worried. I don’t know what to do.

After a while, a little bit of the numbing starts to go away. I slowly turn my phone over. It is very difficult to get into my phone with the finger print or my password. I finally get in and find a friend I trust to talk to. I call my best friend Grace. 
“Hello.” she finally picks up. She was probably sleeping but I really need her.

“I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost in the woods and I can’t move. I feel really numb and I can’t breathe. I can’t tell my family. I can’t tell anyone. I was involved with a guy. He almost raped me.” I explain as I struggle to talk with the struggle to breathe and as I cry. 

“You’re having a panic attack. You are going to be fine. You just have to relax. Take deep breaths. You have to think of something else. I am going to find you. Just stay on the phone. I am here for you.” She comforts me and helps me calm down. I start to feel my limbs again. My breathing becomes normal again. She stays with me on the phone with me as she comforts me with jokes. My heart then drops when I hear the crackling of leaves nearby. Then I see a light coming through.

“Is someone out here?” A man’s voice yells out. I don’t recognize the voice. Maybe he can help me. “This is the police! Is someone out here?!” I stand up and shine my flashlight towards him. 

“I’m here! Please help me! I’m lost!” I cry out and he rushes towards me.

“Ok sweet heart! I’m here!” He comes closer to me to check me out to make sure I am ok. “What are you doing out here? How did you get lost?”

“Someone left me out here. But he is far gone. So you don’t have to worry about him. Well I don’t have to worry about him.” I explain.

 “Ok sweety. If you say so. Lets get out of here. Come on now.” I follow him out of the woods and he leads me to his police car. He drives me home and tells me to call him if I need anything as he gives me a card with some of his info on it. As soon as I start to open the door, it opens from the inside. Mom looks at me with such worry and disappointment in her face. 
“Where were you?! I was worried sick!. I have been trying to call you for hours. I was going to call the police.” she murmurs as I step into the house. She gives me a big hug.

“I was in the woods with Grace and we got lost. And then my phone wasn’t working right. The service was horrible out there and I think it malfunctioned after I dropped it. I am very sorry mom. I did not mean to worry you like that. I will be careful not to get lost in the woods again. Thank God the officer found us.”

“Yeah thank God. Tell me where you’re going from now on. I was so worried. It’s past midnight.” She continues. 

“Is dad at work?” I ask.

“Yes. And he was also worried.”

“Well I am going to bed. I am very tired. Good night.” I hug her and head up the stairs. Thank God she believed that story. I can’t tell her the truth. She is my mom. Maybe she wouldn’t judge me, I don’t know. I usually tell her everything and I trust her. But I just can’t bring myself to tell her what happened. She can not find out. This will all go away. I will forget that it ever happened and I will never do this again. I go to my room and see a bunch of texts and missed calls from my mom, my dad, as well as Grace. Grace texted me as well asking if I am ok and to call her. I text her back that I am fine and I am going to bed. I can’t talk about this right now. I am exhausted. I get ready for bed and lay down to go to sleep. 

“God doesn’t want you anymore. Even if you believe He will forgive you no matter what, that doesn’t change what you have done. You will be defined as bad forever and you don’t deserve Him. You should be ashamed of yourself. What have you done? Why do you keep desiring such bad things? Why do you keep hurting yourself? You are pushing yourself away from God. You will never be close to Him because you will always come back to these awful things. So just keep doing it. It is pointless to get forgiveness from God. You will always come back to dirty desires and you will keep acting on them.” The deep voice once again fills my head. These are my only thoughts. I can’t even close my eyes. My heart beats harder. Tears roll down my cheeks making my pillow wet under my eyes. I see in my head everything that happened between me and him. Every time he touched me. I cry harder as I think of all of it and it becomes overwhelming.

I wake up after sunrise and I am very tired. I had a hard time falling asleep but eventually I did it. My body is very achy and my thoughts once again become very overwhelming. I feel ashamed of myself and very distant from God. What do I do now? I want a relationship with God. But I know that this is not the end of my terrible habits. My hormones desperately desire someone. I can’t help it. I can’t control it. But I should have been able to control it. I did this to him. It’s all my fault. Why did I do that? That was very stupid. What if he raped me? 

to be continued